Top Ten Donald Trump Negotiation Strategies (Satirical)

Top Ten Donald Trump Negotiation Strategies

Change the location of the meeting at the last second
Put his adversary on the defensive by hiring a squad of attractive women to drop rose petals at the adversary's feet
Lower his voice to create a position of power
Respond "Correctamundo" to each of the other side's proposals
Strategically assume the upper hand by waiting for Darryl—whoops, I mean his adversary—to speak first
As an ice breaker, ask his adversary to help brainstorm a new logo for Cracker Barrel
Leave the room unexpectedly during the negotiations
Assume the upper hand by crushing his adversary's hand during the handshake—only to realize afterwards that his adversary is better at that than him!
Initially insist on a cease fire but then give in ("okay, okay") when his adversary tickles him
In each negotiation scenario, ponder the question "What would Ronald Reagan do?"—but then do the exact opposite

Posted September 9, 2025

Commentary

We began brainstorming this topic almost a month ago (around the same time as the August 15, 2025 summit with Putin in Alaska) but it took a while for the ideas to percolate. We found that several of the satirical items we contemplated—such as trading Alaska to Putin in return for letting Trump sit at the cool kid's table during lunch—were more sad than funny.

So...we attempted to increase the humor quotient by mixing in some plot elements from an old episode of The Office—implicitly assuming, of course, that all of our readers have seen the comedy program, which last aired over 12 years ago—lol. The particular episode (The Negotiation, Season 3, Episode 19) is best known as the episode where Roy tries to attack Jim, who is then rescued from danger when Dwight suddenly douses Roy with pepper spray.

As it happens, that episode also includes a plot arc where Darryl Philbin from the warehouse asks Scranton office manager Michael Scott for a raise. In response, Michael makes use of questionable negotiation tactics that he supposedly got from wikipedia to get the upper hand in the negotiations with Darryl.

So...we decided to spoof the lame-o strategies by listing out a few samples as if they were actual Donald Trump negotiation strategies (see items 10, 8, 6, and 4). Sure, maybe we didn't come up with these ideas ourselves, but it did require some creativity to dream up the nutty idea to mix them in amongst satirical Trump strategies. Thus, in true Donald Trump style, we assign ourselves an A+ for our work. Besides, in the end, the borrowed ideas are all rendered ok if you chuckled when you read those items.

Well...did you?

Other items in the top ten list appeal to Trump's "Putin fanboy" status (item 9), an old "Happy Days" reference (item 7), a riff on a current news item (item 5), and a made-up explanation of the bruise on Trump's hand (item 3). Items 2 and 1 are supposed to be funny but are really more sad than funny.

This image of "two men in suits negotiating in a room" was created by Klugmeister using artificial intelligence software. The image was reviewed by Klugmeister before posting on this web page.