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Top Ten Allegations of Vandalism Against the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool

1. Under cover of darkness, an antifa operative stealthily replaced the supply of "American flag blue" paint with "Argentinian flag blue" paint. Unfortunately, the Argentinian paint's intrinsic socialism caused the paint to curdle and peel off immediately after it came into contact with the American landmark
2. There's an unconfirmed rumor that Amber Heard is a person-of-interest in a recent act of vandalism
3. The White House releases video footage of Marvin the Martian threatening to blow up the reflecting pool because it obstructs his view of Venus. During an impromptu meeting with reporters in the Oval Office, Trump notes that you can't trust a guy who wears a skirt
4. A radical left Democrat from Philadelphia or Detroit (not sure which) allegedly replaced "American flag blue" with "Greek flag blue." Meanwhile, U.S. National Guard and Park Police detained Poseidon and Ares when they were seen loitering in the vicinity of the reflecting pool. Both Greek Gods deny any wrongdoing; however, Poseidon (who was particularly irate over being accused of vandalism) was seen brandishing his trident menacingly
5. In response to the fake news media's request for evidence of the 350-foot gash in the reflecting pool, President Trump provides photographic evidence of Freddy Krueger lurking in the shallow pool
6. Ixnay on the Argentinian and Greek flag blue. Turns out it's the color Finland flag blue. Could be they're upset that they didn't qualify for the World Cup? Or the dark and cold Finnish winter got them down? Regardless of the cause, U.S. National Guard recently detained a Finnish national who was found foraging for berries and mushrooms in a forest near the reflecting pool
7. U.S. Park Police recently announced that it has done further testing of the 900-foot gash and determined it was not done with a knife or a razor but with a light saber. Meanwhile, President Trump released video footage of Darth Vader who was recently spotted with George Soros at a Haitian barbecue in Springfield, Ohio
8. Whoops, turns out the offending paint wasn't Finnish flag blue after all; it's French flag blue. In spite of their complete lack of interest in the wild accusation, French authorities deny the shade matches the French flag and point out that no one in France cares what happens with the reflecting pool; even so, President Trump irately issues a cryptic all caps Truth Social post saying: "I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION. YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES." Baffled by the strange outburst, talking heads on CNN say Trump has become completely unhinged
9. President Trump releases video footage of Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and Maxine Waters cutting a 7,000-foot gash in the lining of the reflecting pool
10. President Trump insists that a "fearless girl" about four feet tall committed the vandalism. He shares a photo of the girl standing confidently with her hands on her hips and her head held high.

Posted June 28, 2026