Top Ten Ways to Divert Attention from the Epstein Files

Fire Jerome Powell and have him perp-walked out of the building in his underwear
Pressure company management to reinstate cocaine into the Coke formula
Make up fanciful stories about the Unabomber being a student in your smart uncle's M.I.T. class
Ask Melania to deliberately feign a wardrobe malfunction, then brashly blame it on the Democrat who designed the clothing
Rename the Mississippi River after a confederate general
Deport Sonia Sotomayor and fill her vacated Supreme Court seat with Emil Bove
Accuse the contractor who paved over the White House rose garden of using "trans" asphalt
Move the planned UFC event at the White House from 2026 to next week
Order Marco Rubio to don a chicken costume and cluck around the White House lawn
Release shocking footage of Comey, Obama, and Biden at a Haitian barbecue

Posted July 18, 2025

Commentary

What's a president to do when the thorny issue he wants to disappear just won't go away? He creates a diversion, of course!

Sure, he could bomb Russia or invade Greenland, but a less drastic course of action might successfully distract his MAGA base from the Epstein files, at least temporarily. A few of these satirical items are based on reality, while others are totally made up.

Trump has recently suggested reinstating cane sugar into the Coke formula in the U.S., so we did a riff on that for item 9. At a recent energy summit in Pittsburgh, Trump spoke about his deceased uncle Dr. John Trump (who died in 1985), an M.I.T. professor. Trump claimed his uncle once told him that Unabomber Ted Kaczynski was in his uncle's class (item 8). However, the story must be mistaken, since Kaczynski didn't attend M.I.T. and wasn't revealed as the Unabomber until over 10 years after Dr. Trump died.

We also know Trump would loooove to fire Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell (item 10), and it's also plausible that Trump might enjoy seeing Powell perp-walked in his underwear. Isn't it ironic that Powell was appointed by Trump himself in 2017? Ha! Of course, that won't stop Trump from falsely claiming Biden appointed Powell.

In items 7 and 2 we spoofed the fact that narcissist Trump might not mind embarrassing others as long as it served his diversionary purposes. Item 1 would require intervention from artificial intelligence, but we wouldn't put it beyond Trump to release fabricated footage in order to make his enemies look bad, as he did previously with the doctored image of MS-13 knuckle tattoos.

We decided to keep the "look at the shiny penny" image from the previous top ten list since it still fits.

This image of "people viewing a shiny penny exhibit in a museum" was created by Klugmeister using artificial intelligence software. The image was reviewed by Klugmeister before posting on this web page.